Last time:Lena Dunham’s Factory GIRLS
This week’s episode was named “Winter of Our Discontent,” which feels like something I’d name one of my recaps, ya know?
So, this week we spend a lot of time with Wednesday Addams aka Winter. And Ally had a total character change that I would’ve preferred to see on screen but maybe that was the point (I’m still holding out for her slaughtering this entire clown cult). But there’s actually stuff going on in this episode and I watched it and you clicked this link to read, so we might as well discuss….
This week’s plot device is Pastor Jigsaw. He’s the reason Kai is such a chaotic evil person or something (AND LIKE GIRL I GUESS BUT MAYBE ALSO KAI WATCHING HIS MOM KILL HERSELF AND THEN MURDERING HIS DAD AND KEEPING THEIR BODIES IN THEIR BEDROOM WAS BACKSTORY ENOUGH ON THAT). Pastor Jigsaw (played by, I shit you not, Rick Springfield) invites Winter and Kai to his Judgement House (::extreme Samantha from Sex and the City voice:: Sweetheart, that just sounds like a house full of gay men to me), where he captures and tortures what he sees as sinners. Kai and Winter are understandably terrified. Watching this scene, you can tell it’s supposed to be a big turning point kind of flashback for these characters. But don’t worry because they’re scared for bout 2 minutes then foil the Pastor’s plans, free everyone, and then kill the Pastor with his own Saw-device all within about 5 minutes.
So what and, the other thing is, who cares?
But then we also start spending a lot of time with Handsome Detective Colton Haynes which, I immediately assumed correctly, meant he was going to die by the end of the episode.
Colton Haynes is just like, TOO hot.
So, we learn Handsome Colton Haynes is a crooked cop who is also a Nazi and closeted gay man. Sure, why not? Kai also tries to incest with Winter and I really was waiting for that to happen all season. Not because I wanted it to happen it just made sense and felt like it was already there without them telling us? The whole thing is a nightmare and we don’t even get to see Colton Haynes’ god damned butt. Basically Kai wants to reverse Handmaid’s Tale with his sister. Colton is supposed to penetrate Winter and Kai is supposed to penetrate Colton. If I hadn’t already used “Men Dot Com’s AHS” as a recap title, it wouldv’e been used for this one for sure.
Kai puts on All-4-One's "I Swear" and declares it a new religious anthem. Ya know, as his sex song with his sister and Handsome Colton Haynes. And I laughed but then wondered why the fuck I can’t have a horror TV anthology where I can do whatever the fuck I want? I have no clue what tone Ryan Murphy was going for here but, hey, at least Ally didn’t cry once this episode (as my friend put it, “She didn’t scream or cry once this episode what are you gonna write about in your recap now, IAN”). But, so, Winter calls off the sex when Colton says he can’t get hard for girls anymore and Kai tries to explain it away as not-sex (no but really). This show is a never ending nightmare. Take me back to Pastor Jigsaw’s Judgement House plz.
We then find Ally out of jail and cooking in her home. We get zero explanation about how she got our or what happened but does it really matter? And guess who’s coming to dinner—why, her good pal Kai. She tells him she’s no longer afraid of anything, after he asks her if she got a haircut because she seemed different. Ugh. Ally then sells Dr Cheyenne Jackson (who visited her earlier blahblahblah) out to Kai (remember, they're brothers) in exchange for something we don’t find out for another 10 minutes or so.
Handsome Detective Colton Haynes picks up Winter, who is wearing quite the outfit, form her punishment after she won’t fuck her brother. He then tells his story—how Kai saved him was by…fucking him. I mean, is that any less absurd than some other AHS plot points? He then tries to rape Winter, after she calls him gay. Winter shoots him. Sigh.
The episode began with a brief scene with Dr Cheyenne Jackson where we learned he wasn’t actually part of the cult, which I legit thought I misunderstood for the entire episode until the end when Kai has the traitors brought in and one of them is his brother, Dr Cheyenne Jackson. The second is the only character in the Cult who actually seems like a character to care about, Beverly. The clowns all surround Kai and the traitors and slowly start taking off their masks. Beverly notices there is a clown wearing her former mask. We also learn Winter lied and blamed Colton's death on her, hence Beverly being labeled a traitor.
Kai murders his brother in front of his sister—it’s really weird that the surprise with Dr Cheyenne Jackson was that…he had almost nothing to do with the plot? He helped them keep their parents death a secret with the bodies in the bedroom, but has nothing to do with his murdered patients and, in the end, got himself killed trying to stop his brother and MY GOD RYAN MURPHY THINKS THIS IS A GENIUS KIND OF TWIST DOESN’T HE!??!
The last clown to take of her mask is the one wearing Beverly’s. And the twist that I can honestly say I didn’t see coming was that underneath the mask was Ally.
Beverly is “taken away” and here’s hoping her and Ally team up next week and kill everyone. It’s about that point in a season of AHS where half the cast is murdered, isn’t it?
Most American Part: Kai doing mental gymnastics to give him a reason to try and fuck his sister
Most Horror Part: The low-rent Saw house
Most Story Part: Ally joins the cult! How zany!
Most Ryan Murphy Part: Kai wanting to fuck his sister…and Colton Haynes at the same time.
Grade: C
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Twitter: @ianxcarlos