Last time:Look Who’s Purging Now
Ally starts off this episode screaming and crying—and never once stops. From the new “There’s a clown in my bed” cry to the classic “I need you” cry. And Sarah Paulson is phoning in each and every cry so badly you’d think she was starring in X-Men: Apocalypse.
But, so just as Me and You and Everybody we know is thinking it, Ivy yells, “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” I would assume that they’re going for a Hitchock-ian type horror vibe, but it’s Ryan Murphy so I’m sure he doesn’t even know what vibe he’s going for and won’t be sure until the night before the finale script is due, when he writes it after he’s jerked off.
::deep breath::
Do you think Ivy bought a copy of What Happened by Hillary Clinton and maybe casually left it on the kitchen counter? That’d probably be in bad taste if your partner was very quickly going insane via some maybe-imaginary-but-probably-not clowns—but also so what who cares about taste when your partner voted for JILL FUCKING STEIN. Have y’all bought Hillary Clinton’s new book yet? You should, it’ll probably piss off Trump if it goes on the bestseller list.
Anyway, so, Wednesday Addams walks in and says, “Throwing shade” not unlike the way an out-of-touch white dad might say it. HI RYAN MURPHY. Her and the little Ozymandias (can you believe that’s his real name and not me trying to tell a shitty/pretentious joke) have a weird bonding moment over if he did-or-didn’t see the clowns murder their neighbors. Wednesday Addams refuses to confirm to the audience if the Changs were, in fact, murdered by clowns or Ozymandias imagined it. Have we noticed the pattern here and how tired are we of it?
Did you know that one of the opening chapters to Hillary Clinton’s What Happened opens with a Nietzsche/Kelly Clarkson quote (yes, she attributed it to them both) of, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger”? Did you see that interview she did with CBS News? Did you know people still think Hillary Clinton hasn’t accepted any blame for losing the 2016 election? Did you know people, inversely, don’t ever seem to think Sanders, Rubio, Cruz, etc also need to accept blame for losing? Did you know everything is fucking terrible including this show?
Billy Eichner moves in across the street into the Chang’s former home, is a beekeeper, and is a gay man married to a white woman who hates the sun. Once again, that’s not a joke that’s just Ryan Murphy’s writing. The wife's aversion to the sun hopefully means we find out she’s half vampire or half bee-person or something zany. Billy Eichner then brings up Big Little Lies and Nicole Kidman and, I’m not gonna lie, I felt embarrassed and seen because SAME GIRL. Did y’all fuckin’ see Big Little Lies? Just thinking of that perfect finale brings tears to my eyes.
Ally volunteers to check out their restaurant when her and Ivy get a notice that the alarm at their restaurant is going off because sure, Scooby Doo. It’s where she finds their racist chef from earlier (oh did I not mention that? Does it matter?) hanging on a meat hook in their freezer. But, not to worry, Ivy is back to work almost immediately after their freezer was the setting for an unsolved murder case.
Kai comes to Ally’s house and I don’t know why she even talks to him, especially since she’s in the throws of a clown related meltdown. Kai makes a comment about everything seeming to offend these days and what the fuck is this show trying to even say? Ally then discusses building bridges instead of walls while speaking to Kai through her reinforced metal door and I pray for death. Wednesday Addams tries to finger Ally in the clawfoot bathtub in her bathroom that's bigger than my last Brooklyn apartment as the power suddenly goes out. Ally mistakes the only POC in this episode, the Hispanic chef, for a murderous clown and shoots him.
Sigh.
Most American Part: who doesn’t like a finger or two in the bathtub?
Most Horror Part: the flashback to the Changs getting murdered.
Most Story Part: We see Wednesday Addams do that pinky promise thing.
Most Ryan Murphy Part: Definitely the bathtub fingering.
Grade: D
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