Full Disclosure: I haven’t watched a full season of AHS since the nonsense caca Coven finale. I watched 5 episodes of Hotel but gave up because it was too boring, all over the place, and I felt like I’d rather just rewatch Lady Gaga’s video for “Bad Romance” a few more times instead.
We open with the horror (::wink::) that was the 2016 election night. Reliving that fucking nightmare night wasn’t fun. Last week, I finally said, “President Trump” out loud for the first time ever and cringed. So, I’m still not over the election—but I’m sure that’s exactly what Ryan Murphy wants and expects from all of us predictable, miserable dickheads. I even teared up at the news report voiceover as they were cutting to Sarah Paulson’s Ally crying—then she yell-cried about what was going to happen to Merrick Garland and I rolled my eyes. Then googled who Merrick Garland is because this 9th circle of Hell newscycle moves so fast that I’d already forgotten about the god damned Once and Future Supreme Court nominee.
Allison Pill's Ivy (who has a perfect haircut and definitely win for Lesbian This Gay Guy Has a Big Ole Crush On) comforts Ally and we're well on our way to learning Ally makes everything all about herself (which she does again by saying how she felt on 9/11). While Ivy comforts her wife and son, we also meet the Changs. The Changs are Ivy and Allison’s straight neighbors and the only people of color with any real lines who are then later murdered because of course.
Full stop: Tom Chang’s rant about third party voters/people who didn’t vote—YES FUCK THEM. I cannot scream that enough. I’d like to scream it from every rooftop and have it permanently written on the god damned moon.
Anyway.
At first, I couldn’t tell if Kai (Evan Peters) was supposed to be happy Trump won or upset and going crazy that Trump won. Even when he yelled, “The revolution has begun” because I thought he was maybe a BernieBro, ya know? My first thought upon seeing Billie Lourde’s character Winter was, “Are they brother and sister? Are they gonna incest?” I was really confused what their pinky promise meant but clearly it has to do with clowns and murder.
The clown from Freakshow bit was weird and kinda not needed—I fear we’re heading towards “people upset about Trump are being overdramatic” plot? Ally seems very fucking bougie, weak, and unlikable? Her meltdown over the clown comic was a bit much. Although I did appreciate the Hitchcock zoom. Her psychiatrist does tell her that her reactions are extreme though, reassuring us this isn’t the same level of crazy reaction most of us annoying liberals had…I think?
Ally sure spent a lot of time slip-sliding around the supermarket when she should’ve ran out the first time she saw the first god damned clown. She eventually runs out to her Toyota Prius (::eyeroll::) and, duh, there’s a clown in her backseat so she crashes her nice liberal vehicle into a pole. But then, of course, the police say there were no clowns and the one-armed-man working the cash register (Chaz Bono) didn’t see anything. BUT WAIT, the audience thinks, HE WORE A MAGA HAT—HE MIGHT BE IN ON IT.
“He didn’t see any clowns having sex in the produce section,” is quite the sentence, isn’t it? Poor Ivy has had it with Ally’s hallucinations (which aren’t real hallucinations unless this season is even more caca than I think it’ll be). We also learn that for all her complaining and freaking out, Ally had the motherfucking nerve to vote for Jill motherfucking shithead Stein. I’d be threatening to leave if I were Ivy too!
Just kidding, we’re all Allys wishing we were Ivy. Even those of us who didn't throw our god damned votes into the Sarlacc Pit because we wanted 100% purity in this election (am I their next Annoying Liberal target? Because I should be).
But at some point, we will have to find out why Ally, who seems to align with dickhead extraordinaire Susan Sarandon, is being targeted by these literal Clown faced Trump supporters—right? But, it is Ryan Murphy so maybe we won’t ever find that out and half the cast will just be killed halfway through this season and nothing will matter just like in every other season.
Ally sees a clown masturbating in their restaurant as Ivy is serving her and like, don’t you just hate when that happens? Ally and Ivy are quickly becoming Cam and Mitch from Modern Family or me and my ex, where you find yourself asking, “What’s to like? Why are you two even together?”
And, as someone who has been RTed by Lena Dunham, it gets you maybe 20 new followers at most—not 6,000. Don’t be ridiculous, Winter. While doing her best Wednesday Addams, Winter is hired for the new nanny position Ivy and Ally are looking to fill. Also, during the interview scene, Winter mentions a Marcie Ross—a character from my favorite show Buffy the Vampire Slayer that was played by Clea DuVall and she also was on the Asylum season of AHS so that was an on purpose reference…right? Then, like any good nanny, she shows their kid videos of people being murdered on the internet and brings him across the street to watch the Changs (remember them from the beginning?) get stabbed to death. Winter doesn’t make sense unless the she’s lying about working for Clinton’s campaign or the moral of her character is both political sides are like cults (LOOK HE SAID THE NAME) and I’ll kindly ask Ryan Murphy to meet me outside after class so we can fight.
The episode ends with Colton Haynes showing up (fully clothed, unfortunately) to look handsome as a detective and fart out a few lines before Ally wakes up to find, instead of Ivy, there’s someone in a clown mask next to her in bed. End credits, begin to fadeout, Ryan Murphy finishes all over our faces, etc. Sigh. I hadn't realized this season was going to be You're Next meets The Strangers meets The Purge: Election Year but I'm really bummed we didn't get Sarah Paulson playing Hillary Clinton instead of whatever mess this season is going to be.
Most American Part: Chaz Bono in a MAGA hat
Most Horror Part: the opening, listening to Trump win on election night all over again
Most Story Part: the child seems very into horror stuff
Most Ryan Murphy Part: clowns fucking in the supermarket
Grade: C-
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Twitter: @ianxcarlos