FINALLY! THE MOMENT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR—Jon Snow's beautiful butt!!!
Jon Snow is having some major deja vu like, "wasn't I dead" and people are like WTF we thought so and/or we even stabbed you! The sexy wilding redhead guy Tormund says Jon Snow is not a god because he has a small dick but I don't believe it until I see it and boy would I like to.
Hello from the other side!!!!
Sam and preggers Gilly are on a ship headed to his home, which is called Oltown. I usually feel like I'm visiting Oldtown on Sunday night after a long weekend so I feel ya Sam.
Weird Bran Stark kid has one of his acid flashbacks to the past and see his father killing someone. It was apparently an important part of his history that he lied about and built himself up to be a better warrior than he let on. There are lots of grave neck injuries and I think it's the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard Gerold Hightower with help from a friend. Ned goes up to the tower to rescue what sounds like a crying woman and seems to hear Bran calling to him through the flashback. Whoa.
"Whoa, if my dad sees me in the past but he's dead, can I alter the space/time continuum?"
Meanwhile our girl Dany just can't get a break! She's hanging with these Khal widows who just don't get her. This group of yentas want her to join their Khalsar—don't turn around uh oh, the Khalsars in town uh oh! Sorry I can't help myself with bad jokes.
"Where are my dragons? And my stylist!"
Cut to Eunuch Uncle Fester (aka Varys) who is threatening the Nicki Minaj of Mereen that she's gotta stop being a queen of the Harpys and killing people and leave town. Then he joins up with Tyrion who's trying to get the young lovers from Danys court to play a drinking game with him. I got bored around this part.
"I was thinking Flip Cup but Asshole or Cups are fun too!"
Back to King's Landing where throwing shade is as common as breathing, we see Sir Barrister giving candy to the kids he calls his little birds who bring him secrets. Marcia and Greg Brady (I mean Cersei and Jamie) ask for info and then go uninvted to the small council meeting with Sir Gregor to bust heads. Olenna Martell throws such shade that she is the Queen of Shade. "Margaery is the queen. You are not the queen, because you're not married to the king, I do appreciate these things can get a bit confusing in your family." All hail queen bitch!
Nothing creepy about an old man giving kids candy for secrets. Nope nothing at all.
King Tommen tries to grow balls and threaten the High Sparrow to let Cersei visit his sister's grave but instead they have a heart to heart about mothers love. Dude how about working on getting your imprisoned wife out of jail first? Priorities!
Arya is still blind and still continues to get the crap beaten out of her before she finally learns how to defend herself—a girl is on fire!!!! Unlike most dirty water that gives you the shits, she drinks some nasty water that restores her sight.
"A girl has no...problem kicking your asses!"
Poor Rickon and that weird girl Osha are given to Ramsay Bolton as prisoners. Ugh I hate Ramsay so much partly because I feel gross for fantasizing about the terrible death I want for him.
Jon Snow has the four men who killed him in nooses and hangs them all even the kid. You're as cold as ice Mr. Snow but I get that it had to be done. Then he gives up the fur!
"These crows ain't loyal"
