So we’re back to Westeros and Jon Snow is still dead and his friends are pissed! I’m pissed too and his dog Ghost is barking so I’m hoping he warged into him.
It's just a flesh wound!
Evil Scarlet Witch Melisandre shows up probably trying to get some of that Royal D and then finds out Jon Snow is dead. Sansa and her poor penisless brother Reek (formerly Theon and real life brother to Lily Allen) are trying to escape her evil rapist husband Ramsay but are cornered by dogs and soldiers.
"It's cold enough to freeze your...oh, never mind. Sorry."
Like a scene from the Bodyguard, badass blonde Brienne of Tarth shows up and saves Jean Grey, I mean Sansa. Reek even helps out so hopefully he’s overcoming the Scientology-like brainwashing he had and can be Theon again. Brianne swears to protect Sansa and they form a squad even TSwift would be jealous of then leave for Castle Black. Yaaas kween!!!
"Allow me to join thine squad Jean Grey and help me cleanse this bad blood you have."
Back at King’s Landing Twincest Brother comes back to Kings Landing with his dead daughter and Cersei can’t even. Poor Queen Margaery is being lectured by the shame nun, who left her bell at home, and then told she's a sinner by the High Sparrow. They basically want her to out her dead gay husband and she is a more loyal beard than any you’d find on a hipster in Williamsburg.
"Shaming without a bell isn't as fun"
The sand snakes are some fierce ass bitches who overthrow the King and Prince of Dorn as revenge for letting the hot, bisexual, Prince Oberyn die when he acted as champion for Tyrion (aka Bolivar Trask from X-Men Days of Future Past).
"This says I'm going to stab you. Am I reading this wrong?"
"I never should have...read...that..."
"Not what I meant when I said I wanted a nose job."
Speaking of Tyrion he is walking around with Uncle Fester from the Addams Family trying to figure out how to keep the kingdom together with Dany gone and the Sons of the Harpy doing their whole cosplay killers/uprising thing.
Yes Hell's Kitchen after 3am on a Saturday is pretty scary Tyrion.
That older guy, Jordache or whatever, who has that dragon eczema and the hots for Daenerys is searching for her and finds her earring. Sadface. Meanwhile homegirl needs that accessory because she is a Dothraki prisoner and not looking good! She has definitely not washed her hair in awhile.
"You can tie me up but I'm still Queen Bitch so you can put your eyes elsewhere!"
They bring Dany to the Khal who goes on about how great it is to see a woman naked for the first time and I couldn't disagree more! These guys are crazy horny and keep talking about sex but I’d be worried about sand crabs. Side note: use protection and not just magic spells! They threaten Dany but she serves up a fierce speech, like a rich girl trying to get into a packed Meatpacking district club, so they have to give her R-E-S-P-E-C-T. The Dothraki decide not to kill or rape her but that say she has to go to the equivalent of a group home for Khal widows to live out her days. Whomp whomp.
"Listen, don't make me call my fucking dragons."
Back to Castle Black where Evil Scarlet Witch is getting naked again! Girl enough, I don’t care if you’ve got a great body you don’t have to get naked every episode—this is Game of Thrones not Girls! She looks in the mirror at her nekkid self and it's like some Dorian Grey bullshit because bitch is old as fuck! Like older than Sophia from Golden Girls and all wrinkly and naked. Again, nobody needs to see that! I don't know why we care about her nighttime routine and all the magical work she's had done to look young but that's how it ended! 
"This is just how I look without makeup. No biggie!"
