There are a few types of “bad” movies that are still quite enjoyable to watch. The first kind being ones that are so sincere, that it’s obvious the filmmakers were both incredibly earnest and/or naïve with their faith in their movie (see Plan Nine From Outer Space). The other kind is where they are aware they’re making a B or C-rated film and have fun with the fact it’s going to be cheesy and revel in that glory (see much of John Waters older work and all of Troma’s catalogue). I really wish that Criminal could have chosen one of those categories. Unfortunately, it tries to think it’s smarter than the audience when it’s actually one of the dumbest movies I have ever seen.
Jericho Stewart (Kevin Costner) is a lifelong criminal who is a true sociopath and psychopath. Due to an accident as a child, his frontal lobes were damaged, so he literally has no way to tell right from wrong or what human emotions are like. Luckily for him, his prison sentence is cut short as he is needed by the CIA to be a human guinea pig for a memory transplant experiment. Before being killed in the field, Agent Bill Pope (Ryan Reynolds) hid the dangerous hacker, the Dutchman (Michael Pitt), whose newest virus can control the entire military might of the United States. CIA chief, Quaker Wells (Gary Oldman) needs Jericho to use Pope’s memories to find the Dutchman before the mustache-twirling terrorist, Hagbardaka Heimbahl (Jordi Molla) does. Jericho escapes CIA custody and heads out on his own vendetta to gain a fortune and find his freedom along the way.
If anyone saw Self/Less last summer, then all of this should sound pretty familiar as many of the elements are exactly the same. They both even have Ryan Reynolds in them. That said, two movies that share similar features doesn’t mean one is derivative of the other, but in this case, Criminal makes the former look like brilliance.
Written by Douglas Cook and David Weisberg, whose former masterpieces include Double Jeopardy and The Rock, Criminal manages to be stuffed to the gills for its almost two hour run time, yet there is so much padding it feels like much longer. This is the epitome of too much plot getting in the way of the story. Time and again, the focus is taken off what’s important to focus on some subplot that has nothing to do with the what’s actually going on and will never be dealt with again. This movie doesn’t just need an editor, it needs someone to come in and attack it with a weed whacker.
The acting doesn’t fare much better. Every single person here gives one of the worst performances of their lives, and these are all fantastic actors! Tommy Lee Jones meanders through looking forlorn and like a sad puppy dog. Gary Oldman screams and swears and tries to chew through scenery but it all comes off like a teenager throwing a tantrum because his mom shut off his World of Warcraft account. Ryan Reynolds is in the movie for less than five minutes, so he wasn’t given time to suck. Kevin Costner at least kind of gets that he signed on to do something horrible and is trying to have fun with it, but his grunting and angrily staring at everyone only goes so far before it becomes annoying. Gal Gadot has a few brief moments, but she is damseled so badly that she literally becomes a prize for Kevin Costner to win at the end of his quest.
There are absolutely no redeeming qualities here. Hell, I’m not even sure if the Mystery Science Theater guys could find a way to make this funny. In short, stay as far away from this movie as possible. There is a TON of good stuff to go see right now, so make sure this isn’t it.
Quality: 0 out of 5 stars: This is the worst movie of the year so far, and I look forward to voting for it to win all the Razzies. May Crom have mercy on everyone involved with it.
Queerness: ½ out of 6 Kinseys: Sexuality has almost nothing to do with anything going on in the story. There is one brief shot of a gay couple kissing, but it’s almost used disparagingly. As if Jericho isn’t sure what kind of world he’s entered now that he’s out of prison.
