Do you love The Real Housewives? Do you love Ramona Singer? Do you hate Ramona Singer? Do you sometimes want to flip a table in anger? Maybe throw your prosthetic leg? Do you drink a lot of Pinot?
Well, I think I know what’d make all of that better—add some scifi/fantasy elements into the mix. Imagine these ladies having superpowers—or having to deal with the supernatural. It’d make the show about 7987 times more entertaining.
That’s like, a rough estimate.
So, here we go—the 6 best Geek places that The Real Housewives should take place aka a bunch of The Real Housewives geeky fan fiction.
The Real Housewives of Elm Street
The Tagline:“One, two, Freddy’s coming for you—three, four you’re a prostitution whore.”
The Plot: While dreaming of her new couture dog sweater business, Countess Nina Thompson (distant relative of one Nancy Thompson), gets brutally murdered in her bed while her husband is asleep next to her. It’s up to her fellow frenemy neighbors to throw wine, start new nonsense businesses, and find out who is killing them off one-by-one in their sleep. Season 1 ends with Countess Nina’s arch-enemy, Vivian Van Buren-Walsh (distant relative of one Jesse Walsh), confronting the killer, Freddy Krueger, in her dream world (a life size pink Barbie dream house) and killing him once and for all—but then he comes back and kills her and everyone else. But, that’s how every season ends—Freddy kills them all because haven’t these people learned ANYTHING?
The Real Housewives of Sunnydale
The Tagline:“What are you doing here without Drusilla?”
The Plot: It all takes place in the 90s and early 00s—Dinah Chase is pretty sure her favorite niece, Cordelia, is getting mixed up with the wrong crowd and seeks out help from her sexy, blonde, ageless neighbor who may or may not be a Hellgod. Meanwhile, Beatrice Kendall is wondering why her daughter stopped aging after graduation and Joyce Summers tries to deal with maintaining her new art gallery while taking care of her angsty daughters (or daughter depending on what year it is). Instead of plastic surgery, these ladies are hoping to be sired by a vampire before they turn 40. Drusilla, on the other hand, has an unhealthy relationship with her bf and refuses to sire any of these women—in fact, she leaves town after the 2nd season. The final season ends with all the surviving women relocating to LA before Sunnydale “falls into a sink hole.”
The Real Housewives of The Shire
The Tagline:“Who gon’ check me Bilbo?”
The Plot: Aspiring barkeep, Barbie Von Bombadil, loses all her coins and must move with her family from Rivendell to her late uncle’s place in the Shire. She teaches the other women in the Shire beauty habits of elves (her husband is an elf and their children are all half-hobbit, half-elf) and eventually opens the fanciest bar the Shire has ever seen with her distant cousin, Portia Puddifoot. Songs of gossip are sung every night at their bar, Sindarin Sins—and all the drama comes to a head when Galadriel rolls into town and gets wasted Barbie’s bar.
The Real Housewives of Gotham City
The Tagline:“She’s a Killer Croc in a cocktail dress.”
The Plot: Dede Vanderslay has her friends over to her mansion, down the street from Wayne Manor, for lavish parties every time there’s a state of emergency in Gotham. So, basically, there’s a party nearly every week. Pamela Lillian Isley and the rest of the ladies stage an intervention for their friend Dr. Harleen Quinzel because she keeps getting back with her boyfriend with the bad plastic surgery/lip injections. Drama ensues when, during the season 1 finale, Harleen’s boyfriend straps bombs to three of the ladies and Helena Rosa Bertinelli is forced to reveal she’s Huntress and save them—she’s then shunned by the ladies for having a costume that makes her look like a “slut pig.”
The Real Housewives of Xavier’s Mansion
The Tagline:“Cerebro me.”
The Plot: Monet St Croix, Ororo Munroe, Alison Blaire, and Elizabeth Braddock have no time for drama—unless they’re dealing with permanent frenemy, Emma Frost. Emma creates drama for these women at every turn and is constantly trying to get them all to “show more skin” with their costumes. Season 1 ends with Cassandra Nova coming to town during one particularly bad fight between the ladies—where Monet punches Emma through four different walls of the mansion. In season 2, we learn that the Alison Blaire we’d come to love was actually Mystique in disguise. Ororo rolls her eyes and says, “I can’t believe this happened again.” In season 2, the real Alison Blaire returns and releases her newest single, “Tardy for the Mutant Party.”
The Real Housewives of Lost Island
The Tagline:“Money can’t buy you class—or anything else on this island.”
The Plot: A group of rich, middle-aged women go on a private cruise and get shipwrecked on a mysterious tropical island with polar bears, lots of people, and a smoke monster. Luckily, most of their belongings survive the shipwreck. Daphne DuBois is thrown into the ocean by the smoke monster but her friends are too busy arguing over who had the last Xanax to notice. Rose and Bernard, the cute old couple that live down the beach from the ladies, ask that the ladies never speak to them again. And, in the series finale, Brandeee Swift marries a man named Hurley before all the surviving members of the shipwreck (aside from the newly married Brandeee) finally leave the island because they were all most definitely not dead the whole time and if you thought that THEN YOU WATCHED THE GOD DAMNED SHOW WRONG YOU FOOL.
Facebook: Ian Carlos Photography
Twitter: @ianxcarlos
