Straight dads can expect a James Bond-related gift in their stockings at some point in their lives. But 007 has queer appeal, too. Since its inception, Bond has been bringing straight dads together with their gay sons in movie theatres, with equal enjoyment for all parties.
That’s how it was for me, growing up in rural Illinois in the 90’s during the Brosnan era, during the time of TBS Thanksgiving marathons. My dad’s a sports guy; I’m not. He loves reading finance; me not finance. Unlike my straight peers, who couldn’t have cared less if they shared interests with their dads, finding some silly common ground to talk about was essential to me.
The relentless (and relentlessly fascinating) Sony e-mail hacks have turned their lasers this week on James Bond, leaking an early production script for the new movie SPECTRE. The leak all but confirms that Christoph Waltz’s villain will be the cat-stroking Blofeld. Since we are living in a post-Nolan world where all things must be ordinary and bleak, I don’t believe a kitty will make an appearance, but the news of this campy character’s return is triumphant. Google “James Bond Gay,” and the only links you’ll find will be to SKYFALL’s atonal queer-baiting scene where Javier Bardem strokes our spy’s leg.
Bond’s gay bloodline runs deeper than that.
Obviously, the presence of Grace Jones in A VIEW TO A KILL comes to mind. The only problem with Duran Duran’s coked-out nonsense ballad “A View to a Kill” is that Grace Jones didn’t sing it herself. She was IN the movie, for pity’s sake. Do yourself a favor, gays, and check out Shirley Bassey’s warbly cover. She remains Bond’s Supreme. Ms. Bassey is joined by Carly Simon, Gladys Knight, and Tina Turner in creating a 007 Songbook of such lush madness, it’s a gay master class where somehow Madonna’s “Die Another Day” is its straightest offering.
Another deep cut: k.d. lang’s closing credits song “Surrender” for TOMORROW NEVER DIES. It’s nerdily old school, killer, and should’ve gotten the upfront spot (no disrespect to Sheryl Crow).
Let’s not forget the drag queen Bond Girl names. Like Jinx and Holly Goodhead. Like Christmas Jones. Christmas Jones isn’t a nuclear physicist. She calls out bingo numbers at Hamburger Mary’s in West Hollywood.
But Bond’s gay bona fides aren’t perfect. If anyone ever feels like throwing up, watch out for the ambiguously gay henchmen from DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER: Mr. Wint & Mr. Kidd. The movie was released in ’71, so hold on to your hats when I tell you Sean Connery dispatches the gents extra severely. That scene always chilled me as a kid.
I look forward to SPECTRE because James Bond has a queer part of its soul that I always remember fondly this time of year. It reminds me of talking spy-shop with my dad during a scary period of my childhood. I remember getting the Goldeneye video game and always choosing to play as Grace Jones.
